


please make me happy

by craevitae



Category: Cravity (Band)
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, angst???, mention of traumas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:15:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24539083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/craevitae/pseuds/craevitae
Summary: koo jungmo is emotionless. literally.
Relationships: Kang Minhee/Koo Jungmo
Comments: 5
Kudos: 69





	please make me happy

its been a long time since jungmo expressed his feelings.

he couldn't laugh. he couldn't cry. he couldn't be angry. he couldn't show pain. he couldn't show happiness. he couldn't show love.

koo jungmo is emotionless.

its has been 7 years, to be exact. 7 years since that incident that basically took jungmo's ability to show emotions. due to a trauma, specifically him having an accident with his parents with him being the only survivor. to psychiatrists, jungmo was already considered 'dead'; having alexithymia. he really can't show any emotions. for him, he doesn't know what emotions are. 

other than him basically having no human interactions because he's... boring; he has lived a proper life. with focus on his academics, and him studying emotions. psychiatrists said that he can at least try and learn each emotion, so if he suddenly shows an emotion he wont be too much in shock.

jungmo has been studying emotions for 5 years now, and he has a grasp of what every emotion meant; but he still can't understand it because he hasn't experienced it. for happiness, he couldn't understand how happiness is connected to bright things, or the feeling of something that lights you up. what does light even mean in that context? for sadness, he doesn't know why feeling that emotion means that the world is crashing on you. was it that negative of an emotion?

lastly, the emotion that jungmo couldn't understand the most is love. what does butterflies in the stomach even mean? what's the feeling of being in cloud 9? why do people even say that love is happiness?

he doesn't really get it.

today is jungmo's 1st year in college; taking a normal business course. if jungmo was going to be honest, he didn't really liked anything. he just chose whatever he reads first; and that's how he ended up in business.

jungmo sat down in front; as he didn't want to strain his eyes by sitting at the back. he didn't know why people despised being at front; they say its nerve-wracking. what did nerve-wracking even mean? being at the front is good; you can see everything clearly.

classes was about to start, and a student sat down next to him. he felt him tapping his shoulder, so he looked at him; the later taken aback by the older's cold, emotionless expression.

"h-hi! i'm kang minhee. i hope we can be friends..?" minhee gave jungmo a shy smile. jungmo tilted his head. why did minhee spoke in that manner? what emotion is that?

"hi, i'm koo jungmo." jungmo bowes at minhee, then he turned his head away to focus on the professor who is just starting his class. it's just the same old first days; just discussing about the syllabus. once the professor finished discussing, he announced that all seat mates are partners for every project. at the mention of this, minhee shyly looks at jungmo again.

"i'm looking forward to work with you!" minhee said in a cheery tone. jungmo tilted his head again; why is he showing... what do you call this... enthusiasm?

"likewise." jungmo only said; knowing that he didn't mean it at all. the younger, however, beamed and gave him a smile again.

jungmo was really confused right now; how can kang minhee show a lot of emotions at once?

-

a boring week has passed by. turns out, minhee was in most of jungmo's classes and minhee somehow always sits next to him. jungmo didn't mind; i mean, he doesn't see the issue with it.

and he definitely got more confused when people asked him if he's dating kang minhee. turns out that minhee is a famous student back in high school and is dragging the image till college. jungmo only says no, we're not dating with a blank expression... people didn't know if they should believe him or not.

not that jungmo cared, of course. again, he doesn't see the issue with it. he doesn't even get the reason why people are asking him.

he's now eating in the cafeteria with minhee; he wasn't with him at first, but when minhee saw him, the latter immediately sat in front of him. jungmo just continued eating when minhee greeted him.

minhee pouted. for him, jungmo was interesting. he never showed his interest, well, he never gave a fuck on whatever's happening around him. he was just, there. like a robot. just standing, doing what it's programmed to do. whenever they talk during class, its either jungmo straights up ignores him; jungmo just nods, or jungmo just says a word. he find jungmo's personality a little weird, but very interesting.

kang minhee wanted to know more about him.

as they both quietly ate, minhee then noticed that there was some sauce besides jungmo's lips. he didn't mind it at first, thinking that jungmo will notice it sooner or later; but it has already been two minutes and the older is about to finish his food already.

before jungmo stands up, minhee quickly wiped the sauce with his thumb; which made jungmo froze on his position.

he then wondered why he froze.

what is this? is this being embarrassed? bashful? or...

flustered?

jungmo didn't know, but he definitely didn't like the feeling.

-

the first pair project. it was simple, really; its for entrepreneurship, and the two boys just needed to think of a business and make a starting campaign; with making products, official websites, marketing, pricing and more.

they were both in a cafe, since minhee wanted some coffee. jungmo didn't mind anything; he doesn't have an opinion on what he drinks and eats, anyways.

"you're drinking americano?" minhee said in disbelief; as he truly hated how it tastes. he doesn't like sweet things in general though; but that bitter of a drink? no.

"why? it tastes fine. also wakes me up." jungmo said, as minhee only shook his head.

minhee only stared at jungmo while the latter was working on his laptop. jungmo felt that familiar feeling creeping up on him again; being flustered. he looked up; seeing minhee almost studying his face by how he stares.

"do you need something?" jungmo asked, as minhee tilted his head. "its just... weird. i haven't seen you smile."

jungmo didn't answer and just continued to do his work.

jungmo only looked at him again with a blank expression when minhee suddenly put his fingers on the corners of jungmo’s lips and raised his cheeks to create a forced smile. “see? it looks good on you! i always see that same poker face of yours every single day.” minhee whined.

“why is that any of your business?” jungmo said. minhee slowly removed his hands away from his face. “what do you mean?”

“why does my poker face concern you?” jungmo asked. it wasn’t meant to be a rude remark; that’s how blunt jungmo is. obviously, minhee took jungmo’s words the wrong way, so the younger awkwardly coughed and did his part of their project.

jungmo just stared at him; questioning the sudden change of behavior. he felt the sudden urge to ask if he asked something wrong, even though he doesn’t see the point of it.

“did i said something wrong?” jungmo finally asked, unknowingly giving minhee a worried look. minhee was taken aback by jungmo’s actions; he never really asked him this.

“y-yeah? i’m fine. let’s just finish this so we can go home early.” minhee said. jungmo has no objections with that, so they stood silent till they finished the part they splitted on today. once they were done, minhee gave jungmo a slight smile; something jungmo wasn’t used too, as minhee always smiled with his eyes forming crescents when he’s saying bye, but today is an exception.

jungmo, being the blunt person he is, didn’t question it at all.

-

“so mr. koo, college just started for you. usually, people who have the same condition as you will mostly experience new emotions here and there. unlike most of my patients, you actually took the time to study emotions so i’m sure you won’t be as flustered as them when they experience an emotion. would you like to share some emotions? if there is?” his doctor asked.

“hmm… i guess i experienced being flustered and worried.” jungmo said, which made his doctor raise his eyebrow, motioning jungmo to continue. “i was flustered when a person wiped some sauce off my lips and i was worried when that person’s mood suddenly changed.”

“flustered and worried…” the doctor hummed. “jungmo, who is this person you’re talking about? you don’t need to tell me that person’s name, you can just say what’s your relationship.”

“i guess i can tell you his name. it’s kang minhee, and he’s in most of my classes. we’re partners for a project, and i think we’re friends?” jungmo said, unsure. 

“have you shared to him that you have alexithymia?” his doctor asked, writing down what jungmo has said. jungmo shook his head.

“you know… being flustered and worried are usually emotions you feel when you like or love someone.” jungmo just blinked at his doctor’s words. 

“the day you feel that very emotion, i can say that you completely recovered from your condition.”

-

jungmo couldn’t stop thinking of the counseling he just had. 

he was sure that what he feels about minhee isn’t like or love yet. he hasn’t felt that butterflies in the stomach when he’s around him, and he definitely doesn’t feel like he wasnts to give his whole world to him.

by the way, he hasn’t heard from minhee since they met up to do the project, they did that last friday, today’s monday; jungmo had his counseling yesterday. he didn’t even received any messages from him when he usually did.

jungmo bit his lip, just realizing something.

he’s worrying for him.

finally doing something about what he feels, he called minhee. sure, they were going to see each other in class; but jungmo just couldn’t shrug it off. after a few rings, minhee finally answered.

“hey, jungmo? is something wrong? you don’t usually call…” he heard minhee’s raspy voice; seems like he just woke up.

“why are you asking me that?” jungmo said, making minhee confused first thing in the morning.

“what?” minhee said. “i mean… why are you asking me if there’s something wrong with me when i obviously called you because you didn’t contacted me?” jungmo said. little did he knew, jungmo’s words affected minhee… it seemed like jungmo was actualy clingy.

“wait… you contacted me because i didn’t talk to you for two days?” minhee laughed. “jungmo, i didn’t know you’ll miss me this much in just two days. what if semestral break starts?”

“i miss you? who said so?” jungmo said with no tone at all; but minhee took it in a bad way again. for him, it sounded that he’s in real denial and… sort of disgusted.

“a-ah… it was just a joke. haha.” minhee faked laughed. “anyways, thanks for calling. if you didn’t, i would’ve been late. see you.” minhee said quickly, then he ended the call.

jungmo didn’t get the answer he wanted, but it’s okay because he at least heard minhee’s voice.

he didn’t noticed it,

but he slightly smiled.

arriving in class, he noticed that minhee was already there. he had his head down though; probably sleeping. jungmo sat beside him; the moving of his chair was too loud for minhee’s liking, which made minhee jump in surprise. jungmo just bowed.

“wow. not even a sorry.” he heard minhee muttered, as jungmo looked at him. “why do i need to say sorry to you?”

minhee snickered; not believing what he just heard. “what the fuck? do you have like no emotions or something? you just startled someone, normally a person would say sorry for disturbing others.” minhee furrowed his eyebrows. it was obvious that he was still annoyed at jungmo, mainly because of the conversation he had this morning.

jungmo knew that he made a mistake because minhee said that statement. asking if he had any emotions, because that means he’s being insensitive. however, jungmo didn’t want to acknowledge that.

“i don’t get why i still need to say sorry.” jungmo said. for minhee, that was the last straw.

“you know what? shut the fuck up. you’re so fucking insensitive. i’ve been trying to be nice to you but all i get is your fucking bluntness. you’re unknowingly hurting me.” minhee rolled his eyes, as he moved his chair away from jungmo.

jungmo couldn’t say a word after that. he knew he made minhee upset.

jungmo then discovered a new feeling; regret.

he regretted what he said to minhee.

for the next days, minhee just avoided jungmo and only talked to him when it’s about school; they didn’t even ate lunch together, when they would normally do so. that week, jungmo ate only by himself, while minhee hung out with his friends back in highschool who also attends the same school. 

during that week, jungmo’s regret deepened. he experienced sadness, anger, and a feeling of longing; which jungmo still had to do research on. he knew he had to take note of every emotion he has been feeling to tell his doctor. then, counseling day came by.

“so… minhee is ignoring you and you have this feeling of wanting his presence back as you feel that something is missing from your daily life?” his doctor said, as jungmo nodded. his doctor smiled.

“you miss him, jungmo. you miss kang minhee.” jungmo only blinked again.

“he’s been affecting you emotionally, huh…” his doctor said. “i think that’s enough for today, jungmo. i’m only going to tell you one thing.”

“what is it?” jungmo said, as he fiddled with his fingers. his doctor’s eyes widen at the gesture, quickly jotting down the word nervous in jungmo’s records.

“the day you tell minhee about your condition is the day you’ll be seeing me less.” his doctor smiled. “you can go now.”

jungmo just nodded; confusion was evident in his expression. his doctor also jotted that down. he sighed, worrying for jungmo. 

“the way you will recover from this will be painful, but it’s going to be worth it.” his doctor said, while eyeing jungmo’s counseling sessions for the past month.

-

another empty week has passed. 

jungmo is going to admit this; he’s missing minhee. so much.

maybe it’s because no one has expressed interest to him because people found him boring immediately. maybe because minhee was so attentive of his every action, so jungmo wanted to know what he has been doing wrong the whole time. 

maybe because he was starting to like minhee, but he has no idea how to confirm that.

obviously baffled by what he’s feeling, he immediately searched about his condition even in class. their professor just gave them free time to finish up their pair project, and like any other days; they won’t talk until they actually have to. 

“jungmo, we have to talk about how are we going to present our business proposal.” minhee suddenly said, which made jungmo surprised. minhee was too; but he just shrugged it off.

minhee mentally jotted down the word alexithymia in his mind; the word he saw on jungmo’s phone, to look it up later.

and maybe, just maybe, he already understood why jungmo was so blunt and insensitive the first place.

after class, minhee decided to follow jungmo. undeniably, jungmo had this depressed aura; an aura that minhee was baffled to see. didn’t he have alexithymia? not experiencing any emotions? then, what is this that he’s seeing?

they were about to cross another street, when jungmo just absentmindly walked towards the other sidewalk; not even noticing the cars passing through. in a panic when a car was about to hit him, he shouts jungmo’s name and grabbed his wrist; pulling him to an embrace, the sudden impact leaving them on the former sidewalk.

they stood in that position for seconds. maybe even a minute. jungmo didn’t know what’s the emotion he’s feeling right now; it felt like his chest was tightening so much. he couldn’t breathe properly, he was starting to sweat and he was trembling.

he knew that he read about this somewhere, and it was definitely not a positive feeling.

“shit,” minhee cursed, when jungmo suddenly broke down to cry.

jungmo was finding this scene familiar, so familiar; that he buried his face onto minhee’s chest… and cried. it felt so… sad, but refreshing in a way.

how did jungmo even get this condition, you may ask? it’s almost the exact thing as the situation he just encountered before; but with his mother, and instead of pulling, his mother pushed him; resulting his mother to be run over by the car instead. 

people were looking at the two teenagers, but neither of them cared. for minhee, this was the first time wherein jungmo showed this much emotions; and for jungmo, all of the things that were happening at that exact moment was overwhelming for him. he hasn’t even felt a positive emotion over the course of weeks that he didn’t talk to minhee; but with minhee now comforting him? it was just too much to handle.

“jungmo? jungmo, listen to me.” minhee said, lifting jungmo up. jungmo wobbled a bit, but minhee tried to get a good grip on him so he won’t fall.

“you’re okay, jungmo. i’m here. you’re safe, okay?” minhee bit his lip. seeing jungmo like this hurted him so much. knowing his situation, he couldn’t help it but to blame himself for causing jungmo so much distress. 

“jungmo, i’m sorry. i’m terribly sorry. i’m here now, okay? i’m not going to ignore you again.” minhee tried to blink away his tears. minhee couldn’t even imagine his life without having emotions, and seeing jungmo, who is probably only experiencing these waves of emotions just now.

jungmo looked up when minhee said sorry.

sorry.

jungmo didn’t know what sentimental value the word sorry had before; but when he heard minhee say it, he knew why.

saying sorry and forgiving will lift all of your existing burdens.

jungmo slowly pulled minhee to a hug; it was a weird feeling, but a comforting one. he didn’t even know why he hugged him; it was more of an instinct.

“m-minhee, minhee…” jungmo stuttered, as minhee tighten the hug as a response. “i’m sorry, minhee…”

minhee was shocked hearing this from jungmo; he shouldn’t have anything to be sorry about. “no, jungmo, i should’ve known about your struggles.” minhee said. jungmo didn’t even bother to ask how he knew.

“minhee… please stop making me feel negative emotions.” jungmo said, when he has finally calmed down a bit. at that moment, a lot of bystanders were watching them; it was like a scene from a drama. jungmo’s glassy eyes were focused at minhee’s while minhee was looking at jungmo like he was the most delicate thing in the world.

“minhee, please make me happy.” jungmo finally showed a smile. a smile that minhee was longing for. minhee also smiled too; sighing in relief.

“i will make you the happiest person in this world.”

**Author's Note:**

> THIS WAS A ROLLERCOASTER TO WRITE HELP THIS WAS LIKE SUPPOSED TO BE MORE FLUFFY IDK WHAT HAPPENED


End file.
